Mens Merlins beat Thames Valley 12 - 0

Maidenhead Merlins 12 Thames Valley 0
Brown (5), Mair (3), Ivey (2),
Miall, C., Bowes

Merlins sink Valley while skipper sinks a few in the valleys

It is a rare occasion that the old Iron Man of Zermatt is unavailable for a Merlins fixture, but with a chance to get a Harpist experience in a Welsh tavern (I think that’s what he said), the Merlins skipper forsook the chance to lead the team against an up-and-coming1 Thames Valley side.
It fell therefore to skipper-in-waiting “Tugboat” Castle to take the helm and guide the Merlins out of port, Rebellion ale, and brandy & coke and on to the home fortress affectionately known as Bray 2.
Unusually of late skipper Castle had the luxury of a plethora of players from which to form his side, with “Shockwave” Miall returning from injury, “Poison” Ivey returning from the shortest trip to Johannesburg in history, “Biggles” Bowes running out of excuses not to play, and “Jigsaw” Brown back from the wilderness in more ways than one.
Thames Valley had arrived short-handed and for the most part short bodied, so in true Merlins spirit skipper Castle allowed both “Bulldozer” Wright and “Teapot” Robinson a free transfer to bolster the opposition numbers, whilst Merlins stalwart “Blokka” Wood graciously took up position on the umpire’s whistle.
From the opening forays it became clear that this encounter was to be as closely contested as the 766 BC Empire Cup quarter-final (L.A. Christians v. British Lions) as the Merlins encircled their prey with ease. “Poison” Ivey was the first to pounce, launching a powerful aerial strike only to be repelled by a defensive parry from star centre-forward turned ‘keeper
“Jigsaw” Brown, who swatted the goal-bound effort effortlessly over the bar.
The attacks continued unabated as Castle, Bowes, and man-of-the-match contender Noel “No Nickname”2 Murphy had the middle of the park stitched up tighter than Jock McMiser’s skimpiest parsimonious thrifty wallet the day before payday, while Merlins ‘keeper Ronnie “the Cat” Fuller did a passable impression of Bagpuss dozing happily in the Merlins goal.
“Poison” Ivey managed to get the Merlins off the mark at the second time of asking, driving hard and low into the corner that “Jigsaw” didn’t have covered. “Biggles” Bowes then swiftly followed suit as a loose ball at the edge of the D was swiftly despatched to double the Merlins’ lead.

1Up-and-coming (a.) – Younger, fitter, faster
2Suggestions welcome. Answers on a postcard.
The half’s action was rounded off by two all too recently rare pieces of action for “Jigsaw” Brown, who’d rediscovered his touch down the back of the sofa1 and was keen to join the party. He casually converted with style and horizontality2 twice from his usual range3 to take the Merlins into half-time with a commanding 4-0 lead.
Skipper Castle rearranged the Merlins at half-time, bringing “Blokka” Wood into play on the left, “Teapot” Robinson back into the Merlins defence, and most graciously giving Thames Valley the much needed services of Ronnie Fuller to man the more interesting goalmouth.
From the first touch of the half the Merlins redoubled their efforts, spurred on by the prospect of scoring against a ‘keeper of the calibre of Fuller, a feat not usually applauded in the Merlins dressing room.
Brown was the first to add to the score sheet, deflecting a rocket from “Tintin” Mair into the roof of the Valley net. Scorer turned supplier moments later as a selfless run (yes run) from Brown opened space for Mair to defeat the ‘keeper from a narrow angle. The mutual appreciation society continued as Mair converted a partially blocked Brown effort, Brown benefitted with a tap-in from a Mair slip, and yadda yadda aren’t we great. Five goals to Brown, three to Mair, yet all eclipsed somewhat by a length of the field solo effort by “Poison” Ivey. With no cabin crew to rely on, Ivey crossed the Valley picket line without aid, coffee, or little bags of nuts to claim his second goal of the game.
A couple of classy cameo appearances followed from the great Lionel Conner (one for each side between rain showers). Complete with hockey stick made from genuine pieces of the Ark, Conner’s display of poise and deftness of touch provided continuing interest in this particularly one-sided affair.
The game’s gelled performance was finally rounded off with a stylish sculpted run from “Shockwave” Miall that was bound to come Sasoon-er or later (sorry!). Parting the defence and cutting in from the left side he brushed past the last man to produce a stunning result.
The opposition presence in the clubhouse bar was shorter than a dwarf’s sofa4, as a couple of them were attending their club dinner that evening, and it was already past bed time for the rest.
All in all a pleasurable fixture, if only for the stats, and a welcome relief at the return of so many missing Merlins. Thanks go to Wood and Miall for lending their umpiring skills, and a special thanks to Ronnie Fuller for keeping in both goals and enduring extremes in activity levels.

1Always the last place you look. Still, who keeps looking once they’ve found what they’re looking for?
2Isn’t word of the day toilet paper great? Spell check doesn’t seem to mind so I’m going with it.
3Often likened to the distance between a dog’s nose and a dog on heat’s backside.
4Available at DFS. Get an ex-RAF man for free if you get there quick enough. Sale must end Sunday.